Where I Started

Day 0

So, I'm 180 or something, I'm not really sure. I guess I'll stick to that number, but I'm probably more than that. Like by two or four, or six pounds. What is weight? I never used to be conscious about it before. Why do I have to now?

BUT I'm freaking 180. SO angry at that. So hate it. I don't know what to do with it. I dont know what to do to start, and I really wish I could just not care. I want to just be happy and not care. Why do I have to deal with this?

I don't like dealing with anything. My problems hurt me, and I'm so used to just letting them hide. I'm tired of hating myself. I'm tired of being stuck at home and not being motivated to do anything.

SO a couple weeks ago I decided to start getting healthy... and although I don't really want to label it "weight loss" or "dieting" or anything like that, because I hate those words and they literally make me sick... Its pretty much what I'm going to do. UGH.

My heart is breaking apart because of this. I don't have a mirror in the house- at least not a full mirror anyway. And for the last six months or so I've not really looked at myself- I mean REALLY looked at myself. I wish I didn't have to worry about it. I wish no one had to worry about it. But I finally noticed a little while ago, and my heart broke. Travis has brought it up quite a few times in the recent past, but I always fought him on the subject. I took it personally, like he wanted to change me or something.

I just wanted to be happy and not care. But now that I've seen, I have to. UGH. I hate it.

But I guess if a broken heart is good enough for God, its good enough for me. I want to celebrate his creation by taking care of my body, and I'm going to have to deal with some of my problems along the way in order to do that. And I hate it. SO freaking hate it. But I'm determined.